I hope you all haven’t missed me too much after this unexpected hiatus, but I’m back and ready with a book full of new adventures that have made me go “wtf.” Let’s start off with one of the most entertaining apps ever created…
These are the Tinder chronicles.
For those of you who haven’t experimented with this app yet – seriously or just for fun – here’s the run-down: you sign in through facebook, pick a few of your best photos, write a short bio, and then look at (possible) singles in your area. Swipe right for “like” and left for “no.” If you both swipe right, it matches you up. Simple enough, yes?
Best part? There are some genuine grade-A weirdos out there, but they don’t show their crazy right away. Why? Because it’s the internet. They can edit everything they say about twelve times – making them go from “Stage 8” to “Stage 2” in a matter of a few backspaces and rewrites.
So as someone who has utilized this phone application before (thank you roommate who shall not be named), I present to you the five people you will meet on Tinder and (hopefully) never in real life:
The one who can’t take a hint.
It’s not necessarily that this person is a bad person – they’re just overly aggressive and have the clear red flags that come associated with a stage 5 clinger. Sometimes you’re polite about it and tell them you’re not interested; other times you try the “peter out” method and start bailing on plans and overall stop responding. Yet every once in a while you get the person who doesn’t accept that you’re more or less rejecting them and just try harder.
Example: Four months ago, I stupidly gave someone my number. Since talking to him was like talking to a piece of toast, I just gave up and cut all ties. But, apparently, he didn’t get the hint. For four months (September to December) I received texts of “Hey!” or “Hey :)” every other day, to which he received no answer.
*Note: He finally got the hint and sent me a lovely typed out person that was apparently meant to flip me off as of January 5th.
The pick-up artist.
I don’t know where people come up with these pickup lines – but some of them are gold. And by gold, I mean they’re number one for the “worst things I’ve ever heard” Olympics. There’s no trying to have a conversation with these people because everything you say will get turned into a sexual innuendo… or pun.
Example: Dude: “Wow I wish u could be on my fantasy team.” Me: “Whys that?” Dude: “Because I can see you getting into my end zone 2 or 3 times tonight.” Me: “What is up pickup lines. How many girls does that work with?” Dude: “So I’m not gonna Victor Cruz into your panties?” Me: “Not with Giants references, no way.”*
*I still have screenshot proof of this conversation – it was that alarming and funny.
Ok. I don’t think I can say this enough: it is so awkward when you share all of your personal life… over an app… with a stranger… seriously it’s a huge turn-off. But then again, some people like letting everyone know what they’re doing every second of every day – just check your Facebook news-feed if you don’t believe me.
Example: Within ten minutes of talking to a young gentleman I had found out: he has two daughters, owns a boat, is divorced, is 18 years older than I am, lives near his ex, drinks like a college student, and goes to Puerto Rico on a regular basis. All off of “Hey!” and “What’s up?” No, dude. This is now how you facilitate a conversation. This is how you speed through your interview on Oprah.
The attention whore.
Tinder is basically another form of social media. But why – WHY – do you want me to “friend you on Facebook”? Oh, so you’ll “follow me back” if I “follow you in Instagram”? No. This is a plea for better stats and numbers, to a random stranger at that. I’m not letting your creep self in on my life just because you’re insecure about how many people like the picture of your cat licking its butt or that horrific selfie you took with “no makeup.” (pfft, yeah right)
Example: “I have a really big pet peeve of having odd numbers of likes on my Instagram photos… Will you follow me and like the ones to make them even?” Uh… hard pass.
Now this is legitimately terrifying. Not only do they stalk you down on social media when you haven’t even given them your full first name, they keep track of your whereabouts via Tinder. While I have never had to experience anything so extreme, there has been reports of stalkings and murders because of Tinder. Yeah… wait… why was I using this app again?
Example: “Hey! It says you’re less than a mile away from me… Let’s make a game of it?!” YEAH… LET’S NOT AND SAY WE DID.