Two Words: Airports Suck

I am aware that we all have some strong opinion as to why airports suck. Maybe security takes too long or there’s never any good parking spots when you’re coming in for your 5 p.m. flight. Whatever your reasons may be, I’m here to tell you that there are a few things that seasoned travelers really hate about airports. Hint: it’s not the line at Starbucks.

Personally, I have been a passenger on these metal flying contraptions ever since I was about two months old. Sure there’s a few things that have changed about airlines that have made them less enjoyable over the years – less leg room, for example – but I have never hated the act of flying on a plane. It’s the people in the damn airports.

Now even if you’ve been through the airport at least once in your life, you will have seen a few of these “gem” creatures I’m about to point out. They might not aggravate you, but for those of us who travel rather frequently – at least one of these will be the kryptonite to their Superman. Me? I hate them all.

The slow-walkers.

I am not just talking average slow. Oh no no no no. These are the people that decide that glacial is more their speed because they either don’t know where they’re going or they have the desire to talk to their traveling companions. This wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that these spawns of Satan usually travel in packs of four to six. Meaning you have to be stealthy as you try to get around these numbskulls while maneuvering to avoid the on-coming wave of traffic that is comparable to a human-Autobahn.

The speed-stoppers.

It’s like it’s a freaking RACE to get to the gate with these people – which means that I like them. Until they turn from Dale Earnhardt to a wall. (Too soon?) It’s not that you can anticipate it, either. These people fully know where they’re going until something shiny catches their attention, or their too stupid to walk with their kid, so they have to full-on STOP right in front of you. Personally, I have collided with a few of these folk and each and every time it makes me see red. The best is when they blame you. Hah. No thanks.

The “I know I have a wheel bag, but I’m going to pretend like I don’t”-ers.

There is a special place in hell reserved for these people. If you’re running around an airport and not paying attention to where your bag is going – I hate you. More than I hate Nick Cage. I don’t understand why you would inconvenience others to a point where they either have to stop and distinctly walk around you to avoid your bag of doom or pretend to stop somewhere just to get at least 10 feet of space between you. You wheel-bag-toting-people are not the only ones trying to get home/go on vacation/get through the airport stress-free. So stop being selfish and learn how to control your bag. Or invest in a backpack. Either one works, I don’t care as long as you don’t run over my foot again and pretend like it was my fault for not watching where your bag was going.

The “responsible” parents.

The airport is not a playground. I repeat: the airport is not a playground. Sure some areas of the airport might have a playground, but if I have to stop or completely change what I’m doing because your child is choosing to run from one side of the terminal to another, you need to sign your them over to social services. Sure, sometimes you lose kids. Maybe they’ll see the window of opportunity and sprint away from you. That’s an understandable circumstance; kids can be tricky. But watching as your child makes a jungle gym out of the terminal, delaying passengers from getting to wherever they need to get to, makes you a bad parent. I don’t care WHAT your “defense” is for this behavior but I have a hint for you: there is none.

The people unaware, and unprepared, of security checks.

Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Unicorns. People. You will have to take off your shoes. Jackets. Put computers by themselves. Make sure you have no excessive metal on you since you’re going through a metal detector. Seriously, get it together. I understand that some people haven’t had the experience of flying as frequently as others. But to those who keep flying without getting the hint, here it is: it isn’t the TSA making lines unbearably long. It’s you. You who wore multi-lace-up sneakers instead of something that is easy to kick off/unzip. You who are clearly unable to follow instructions, or READ for that matter, that water bottles filled with liquid are in fact not allowed through even though it’s “just water.” You who forgets that the TSA needs to see your boarding pass and I.D. when you get to the front of the line. It’s you, the moron, who cannot comprehend what the hundreds of people in line before you have. Thank you for making everyone potentially late for their flights and their mornings hell.

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